What's on My Bookshelf: Gordon MacDonald, Barbara Rainey & Janet Pope

If you look at my track record for finishing the books, it's pretty sad. I get so distracted so easily! And during the schoolyear it's even worse.
So since February (when I walked away from a marriage conference with my arms full of books) I've tried really hard to start a book and then finish it.

I've also tried to incorporate time to read into my schedule. After I wake up and after I spend time in the Word, I try to read a chapter in a book that is for me and my enjoyment before I jump into reading homework or something.
As I was writing this blog post, I happened to find Lipstick & Gelato's vlog about her current reads, and I agree with the point she made that reading has a way of both waking you up and motivating you, but also giving you something to think about and hopefully add to your life throughout the day!

At first I almost chose all married books (from my arm-full of marriage conference resources) in my eagerness to learn what it is to be a good spouse, but I realized that gives me no balance.
So anyways, here are the three books that I've read, am reading, and about the start.

Letters for my Daughters by Barbara Rainey

This has become my #1 book to recommend to any wife, or even fiancé, or even single girl! It's a compilation of e-mails from Barbara Rainey (a co-founder of Family Life) to her daughters and daughters-in-law about marriage. 

But what I love about this book the most is that it's spiritual and reflective without being specific. One flaw I've found in marriage books is the authors tend to write about one type of husband, or a group of husbands. Barbara Rainey does a really great job of giving her daughters advice that centers, not on the type of husband they have, but on the spiritual significance of marriage.

Not only that, but she understands that the best way to be the best wife is to focus on your relationship with the Lord first and foremost.

I highly, highly recommend this book.

(Side note, she's also an incredible watercolor artists, so the chapters are absolutely BEA-UTIFUL.)

"In my marriage my goal is to always believe the best about my husband, to always believe God is not finished with him yet, and to always believe the best is yet to come." - Barbara Rainey

"The very best marriages, the ones that go the distance, have a purpose beyond mutual fulfillment and personal happiness... Marriage isn't designed to make us happy, but to make us holy." - Barbara Rainey

Ordering Your Private World by Gordon MacDonald

This is the book I'm currently reading, and it was exactly what I needed for this season of life. It was written by a pastor who realized early on in his ministry that he was not structuring his life in a way that established his private life, and that this would only lead to a shaky foundation.

The whole book (which I'm only half-way through) is full of practical tips to know how to distinguish between drivenness and calledness, how to keep who you are and what you do separate, and valuable insight into how to budget your time wisely.
Already it has been super helpful, but especially because it is written in the context of pastoral ministry I would very much recommend this book to anyone who is called to ministry.

"We are naively inclined to believe that the most publicly active person is the most spiritual... Because we tend to think like this, there is the temptation to give imbalance attention to our public worlds at the expense of the private...There must be a quiet place where all is in order, a place from which comes the energy that overcomes turbulence and is not intimidated by it." - Gordon MacDonald

"For an inner life fraught with unresolved drives will not be able to hear clearly the voice of Christ when He calls. The noise and pain of stress will be too great." - Gordon MacDonald

His Word in My Heart by Janet Pope

I'm really excited to start this book after I finish the other one.

Janet Pope focuses on learning and meditating on the verses you're trying to memorize instead of simply choosing a few and running with them. She began the process as a mom-of-two with  little free time, so I'm hoping she will have some habits and practices to impart to me to help me make memorizing scripture a part of my busy, newlywed, college life.

I'm looking forward to treating this book more like a bible study guide for my quiet time with the Lord. Flipping through it it looks great for a bite-sized spiritual bite to start every day.

"In the book I present an alternative for the frazzled, guilt-ridden woman who longs to know God and His Word but hasn't yet found a way to accomplish this amidst the unrelenting treadmill of activities." - Janet Pope

What books are on YOUR bookshelf?

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The Modest Budget: Cheetah IS a Neutral + October Goals

Southern Virginia has not yet realized it's fully fall, but this light chambray top from Old Navy I bought on clearance years ago is helping bring the layers without the weather.

Chambray: Old Navy (old) (similar)
Shirt: Target (similar)
Skirt: Target (old)
Boots: Hand-me-down from a friend

I have always been a bit intimidated by cheetah, and I'm pretty sure there are only two items in my entire closet with the pattern. But those two items are two things I come back to over and over! After all... it IS a neutral!

One of them is this skater skirt I've had for years. The other are my cheetah croc flats, which you have definitely seen on my @themodestbudget Instagram! I bought them on clearance this summer with the intention of using them as house shoes (in lieu of slippers) but they were so cute + comfy that I can't resist wearing them out-and-about too. I feel like I wear them all the time!

Out for margs with a wife-to-be! 🍹👰🏼 Layering this summer tank with a super light layer is another great way to "look fall" before the weather "feels fall"! 🍁🍂🍃🌿🍃🍂How are you transitioning for fall? Tag me! #TheModestBudget

A photo posted by Casey 🌺 Capra (@themodestbudget) on Sep 14, 2016 at 5:30pm PDT

Felt the smallest whispers of fall today; I even did homework outside for a little while this morning! It put me in the mood to make some October goals; PSL in one hand and notepad in the other!

October Goals

1. Walk Daily

I feel like this is a good habit to get into in general, but it's also a great excuse to go outside for a date-like stroll with my Honey after work, or a mid-day power walk to clear my mind.

2. Run 1x/week

I really like running, but haven't gone in a while. Last week I tried to make a come-back and it felt so good! Even if I only ran 3/4 of a mile. I want to start running regularly again, but I'm also trying to take it in bite-sized pieces. I want to run because it's fun, not because I have to. It's a fun goal, not a fitness goal (I go to Boot Camp for that;)!

3. Never wake up later than 7

No explanation necessary;) But seriously, since Jon and I were waking up at 5 am every morning over the summer, we let let ourselves get lazy with our sleep schedule once we got home. It's about time to start waking up early again.

4. Finish reading Ordering Your Private World 

This book has been so good, and I can't wait to tell ya'll more about it on Thursday!

5. Officially open my online knitting shop???

Taking name suggestions! #help! Before the fall is over I would like to find a good gluten free bread recipe, too. Have ya'll found any successful GF bread recipes? What are your goals for October? Do ya'll like cheetah as much as I do?

P.S. Check out my other cheetah/chambray outfits I've been wearing this week on Instagram @TheModestBudget! 

Tag me in your budget-friendly modest outfits so I can feature you at #TheModestBudget!

Linking up with some awesome parties here!

Marriage is Teaching Me... To Lower my Expectations

First off...
I'm not going to tell you that I'm learning to lower my expectations of my marriage and my husband, and that you should do the same.
That you should not expect him to fulfill all your desires or emotional needs.
That he's a sinner and a he will let you down.
That, to be happily married, you have to overall lower your expectations for your husband.

But I'm not, because, if anything, marriage has taught me to have higher expectations for my husband.

We can talk more about that later, but marriage lately has been teaching me more about lowering my expectations for myself.

Before marriage...

Like I mentioned briefly in my last post, I grew up with fabulous parents who loved each other and have been with each other for almost 30 years. My dad has built his own company and my mom has always been a SAHM who homeschools the kids and runs the cleaning of the house and the feeding of the family flawlessly.

Let that be a small glimpse of the expectations I had for what a solid family should look like.

Similarly, Jon was raised by two awesome parents, with a southern mom who cooks great meals and keeps a spotless home.

Take both of those examples, and what kind of wife do you think I felt like I needed to be?

After the honeymoon...

Fast-forward to our second week of marriage as we are getting moved in and settled into our new apartment. Jon started his online classes and went back to work (up at 5 am, home by 4 pm) and I started my college classes and my part-time job. We almost had the exact same work load, if you take into consideration that I worked less but had more schoolwork, and he worked more and had less schoolwork.

In addition to all of this, we were both determined to keep leading Young Life, which requires the same amount of time as a part-time job.

But that didn't change the amount of pressure I had put on my own shoulders to immediately be able to keep a clean house and cook dinner every night.

Not sure how I thought that was going to play out practically, considering I still didn't know how to cook and I wasn't home very often, but I was determined.

Hitting the walls

As you can imagine, this only lead to breakdowns, and not just hitting one wall, but hitting multiple walls.

(My stubborn head doesn't learn any lesson quickly)

And it wasn't until just a couple months ago when someone pointed out to me,

"Casey, do you realize how many times you say 'I should' or 'I'm supposed to'?"

That was when I realized that I was constructing my life around expectations I had put on myself.

Jon wasn't telling me I had to stress out about dinner every night.

My mom wasn't telling me to keep a cleaner house.

The marriage books I was devouring weren't telling me I needed to quit all my dreams in an effort to be a great wife.

These were all expectations that I had put on myself.

And because they were high, unattainable expectations, I was only letting myself down, over and over again.

Being a disappointment to yourself is one of the worst feelings, and this was a recurring theme throughout this last year.
Not only that, but I started to assume that God was always disappointed in me. That's when things got really serious. Not only were my expectations making me cranky and disappointed, they were also making me unpleasant to live with and also skewing my perspective of God.

The solution?

Unfortunately, there isn't/wasn't a solution. I wish there was!
Solutions are easy, and they can be checked off a list. (I love lists!)

But instead, there's a process.

Thankfully, it is one that God created and my husband is more than willing to help me with.

But it's a process that involves making sure I am acting on what I am actually called to do, not just what I think I'm supposed to do.

It's actually ok to ask Jon to fold the laundry while I finish an assignment, instead of feeling like I have to do all the house work on my own. (Even more incredible, Jon actually doesn't mind! He likes helping me!)

It's actually ok to order Chinese when dinner didn't work out.

It's actually ok that dishes in the sink pile up because it's midterm week for both of us.

Because I am not called to keep a flawless house and make dinner every night and look picture-perfect every evening when Jon gets home from work.

I am called to be a supportive wife who is a safe place for my husband, who respects him with her words, who does her best to create a home but not at the sacrifice of her own sanity.

I am called to love Jon and follow him and respect him and support him.

Sometimes, this involves cleaning part of the house or cooking dinner. But the point is, I am called to be a wife to Jon before I am called to be a housewife.

I am called to be a wife; not just do wife things.

They are two different things.

So now...

So now I am trying to focus on my relationship with Jon before I focus on the housework.

I am trying to focus on who a wife should be more than what a wife should do.

And I am trying to lower my astronomical expectations for myself to include this train of thought.

Because, at the end of the day, both Jon and Jesus love me even when the house is a mess! 

What other opinions matter?

Have you ever struggled with having high expectations for yourself?

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The Modest Budget + Discovering the Wife I'm Created to Be

"How's married life?"

That has to be the hardest question I've been asked this past year.

How do I even say?

How do I even know?

But seriously, Jon and I are new at this... it's hard to even say, "We're doing great!" because we still don't know what we're doing!

I still love him and most of the time like him, and we're doing our best to learn what it's like to "dance" together in life. So, by that standard, I would say "We're doing great!"

Fighting the "The Good Wife Box"

But, while marriage is the best, it has also been an interesting personal process. I have always been a black-or-white, all-or-nothing kind of person, so when Jon and I got married I wanted to be "all wife." 

And, by that, I mean that I wanted to drop all my dreams and allow every thought, every feeling, every obligation, every schedule and routine be determined by what I thought being "all wife" meant.

When I say it like that it makes it completely obvious that that is wrong, but I didn't realize I was doing it. Because, believe it or not, that is exactly what I've been trying to do these last 13.5 months of marriage.

Marriage is awesome, and this first year has been both fun and challenging. But I'm still trying to figure out what it looks like to still be Casey and be "all wife" at the same time. 

But that's tricky! Because my personality instantly wants to fit in "the box" that is labeled "The Good Wife." 

I want the checklist, I want the definitions, I want the qualifications, I want to fit the label.

What I'm learning, though, is that I am not meant to be in a box at all, and that being a "good wife" means more than just checking off everything from the "Qualified Wife List."

I'm learning that my and Jon's marriage will be unique, and that there is not just one way to be a good wife. 

I'm learning that my expectations for myself can be some of the most dangerous expectations.

I'm learning that being a good wife to Jon is going to look different than trying to be like someone else (who is a good wife to their husband).

And I'm learning that being a good wife is not static, but adaptable to different seasons.

The wife I wanted to be, but wasn't called to be

I grew up in a home where my dad worked a steady 8-5 and my mom stayed home with all 10 kids, made the food, homeschooled the young ones, and ran all the errands. So, instantly, that's what my "all wife" perception looked like.

And it's a beautiful example! Why wouldn't I want to follow it? 

(My mom literally does wife life and motherhood like a superhero.)

But I'm realizing that I tried to jump into something before I was called.

No, I'm not saying I jumped into marriage before I was called (I know for sure I was called to marry Jon).

But I am saying that I tried to make Casey look like her mom when Casey wasn't called to look like her mom. 

or like that wife blogger who cooks every meal and keeps a perfect home.

I tried to be the wife I thought I should be before I even asked the Lord what being a wife to Jon in this season is supposed to look like.

And while my mom is an amazing example of what a traditional wife should look like, she is not married to Jon like I am. Which means that I will have to be a different wife than she is.

She is also in a completely different season of life than I am (obvi). 

Does this make sense?

The process...

Marriage is great. I love being married to Jon. I am called to be Jon's wife.

But I am backtracking to figure out how Casey - the song-writer, worship leader, ministry-loving, writer, blogger, singer, knitter, dreamer - stays Casey while still laying down her life in marriage. 

I am backtracking a little bit to figure out what kind of wife I am called to be.

Because if there's one thing I've learned this past year in marriage is that laying down your life in marriage does not mean becoming a door mat to your husband.

Serving your husband does not mean that you lose your personality!

Submitting to your husband is far from losing your voice.

And your marriage will sometimes - most times - look a lot different than everyone else's marriage.

Now the challenge is to let Him teach me how to be the kind of wife He designed me to be.

Because I am different, just like you are different.

I have a different personality than you do, and a different husband than you do.

No one can teach you or I how to be the women/wives we are designed to be except for God.

So maybe you've been trying to be someone you were not called to be, kind of like I was trying to be the kind of wife I wasn't called to be.

Maybe you've been trying to be a certain kind of student, or a certain kind of musician, or do ministry a certain way.

Don't lose heart. Drop the pressure, and let your Creator, the one who designed you, show you how you are designed to uniquely fulfill the purpose you are called to, because you are designed to look like no one else.

Have you gone through a process like this before?

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