Cattails, Rabbit Trails, and Thistlefish: I Can't Tell My Son to be Brave

I'm not a big movie gal. The only reason I went (and went with a baby I knew I would just be holding/bouncing/pacing with the entire time) is because my family - all 12 of them - were going and #FOMO.

So there I was. In the Greatest Showman.
Sure enough, by the second song I was standing in the dark stairwell bouncing a 5 month old who wanted to watch the screen instead of take a nap.

And that's when it happened.

"Every night I lie in bed

The brightest colors fill my head

A million dreams are keeping me awake

I think of what the world could be

A vision of the one I see

A million dreams is all it's gonna take

A million dreams for the world we're gonna make."

All of a sudden I felt a little hiccup of a sob rise in my chest for a couple seconds and tears sprung to my eyes.

The world we're gonna make?

I looked at the sleepy boy in my arms and I know that that moment will stick with me in my memory for forever.
Because in that dark theater, as he started to settle down and snuggle sleepily on my chest, my heart was overwhelmed with the dreams God has put in my heart for him. As my throat felt choked I was flooded with the need to shout to the world that this boy was important. That he was going to do big things. That he was going to love large and dream big and know what it is to be pursued by God.

And I was going to be with him the whole time, his biggest cheerleader, his constant support, the mom that embarrasses him by how loudly she cheers him on and doesn't care what his buddies think of her enthusiasm.

Not only that, but the emotions surged more powerfully when I felt the Lord softly *tap tap* on the door of my heart, and say,

"You know that's how I feel about you, right?"

It is so far from my imagination that Jonah could go a day without knowing that I love him - fiercely, powerfully, undeniably.
And yet I live the majority of my life unaware of the fierce, powerful, undeniable love that is firmly directed towards me.

What changes when I realize that the Creator God looks at me and screams, "That's my girl!"? What changes when I begin to believe that His eyes are always attentive on me, that He feels for me times 100,000,000,000 infinity what I feel for Jonah...?

Everything.

It changes everything.

And when I know that I am loved that intensely, I can be the fearless and brave human that I want my son to be.

The Holy Spirit shifted something in my heart during that second song. And I knew, with conviction that I couldn't be fearful if I wanted this little boy to be brave.

I want him to look at me and see a mom who shows up, even though she knows she won't always be good enough.
I want him to see a woman who's brave, and laughs at her mistakes.
I want him to have a mom that not only loves him a massive amount, but knows she's loved too.

And at the end of the day, I can't cheer him on and tell him to be brave when I can't be brave enough to step into who I'm meant to be. And I can't tell him he is loved every second of every day by the Creator God who came to die for him if I don't believe it too.

I loved the anthem moment of the Greatest Showman, and since that day I have found myself not just singing, but declaring

"Look out, cuz here I come

And I'm marching on to the beat I drum

I'm not scared to be seen

I make no apologies

This is me."

I can't tell my son to be brave unless I am brave too.
So I guess I need to be brave!

I anticipate the day when I see Jonah living out this kind of confidence in who he is and how loved he is.

And I'm excited to see his mama living it out more every day, too.

Oh, what a world we're gonna make.

Do you have dreams you need more bravery to walk into?