I haven't been writing.
I haven't been journalling.
I haven't been practicing.
I haven't been reading.
I haven't even been doing much laundry.
I place bigger expectations on myself than anybody else could.
I tell people all the time that I'm Wonder Woman. Because I believe it. I can do anything. I'm just that kind of person.
I'm not really scared of many things. The only things that hold me back are my own insecurities.
So why did I feel, all of a sudden, pressured? from all angles?
My expectations for myself were too high.
As I was thinking about this today, the Lord showed me (Praise the Lord for those catchy church billboards) that even HIS expectations of me aren't even as high as mine are.
That seems wrong to think, at first. But think of it this way: He wants perfection, and desires to see holiness in my life, but He also knows me. He knows my limits better than I do. Because even when I think I can spend time with my siblings, do three loads of laundry, make my mama feel loved, write letters, clean my room, run errands, do homework and three thousand other things in one day... He knows I can't. I simply can't.
So if He knows me, intimately and completely, how could He expect me to exceed my limitations? He doesn't. He desires a perfect reflection of His holiness in my soul, because that's the only way I can know Him and be loved by Him completely, and He works towards that in my heart. He pursues me. But He also knows it's going to take time, and processing, and work.
Just like anyone who enters a serious relationship cannot expect the other person will know how to love them wholly and completely after the first day: it takes time, and processing, and work to learn each other and learn how to love and how to receive love. He knows I have to learn how to love and be loved by Him. And He's patient.
This doesn't change the fact that I expect way to much of myself. This is still a really hard thought to wrap my brain around. But I'm getting there. I'm seeking the Lord on it. I want to know how He thinks about me, and what He expects of me. That's why I've been pushing aside a few of the things I've pressured myself to do, even if they're good things. If they're keeping me from being a catalyst of His love every moment, than they get taken out of my life for this season. I need to learn how to have grace for myself.
He knows me completely. And He takes care of me. I so want to know Him better.
So be gracious with me. One of those good things I love doing is posting here, and writing. Posts may be more or less infrequent over the next while... I'm trusting the Lord with that though.
What are you seeking the Lords face on? Do you put higher expectations on yourself than you ought?