Blue Walls and Stretch Marks: Emotional Meltdowns that Revealed my True Priorities

I am a firm believer in not apologizing as a blogger for not posting "x" amount of times per week, or for taking a break. I don't get paid to blog, and it actually needs to take a backseat in some seasons.

However, there is that awkward moment when you haven't blogged in almost two months and you don't quite know how to jump back into it without some sort of explanation.

So this is not an apology. But this is a "catch-you-up-on-where-I'm-at" post to let you in on the emotionally exhausting whirlwind that this summer has been since I've last posted.

The Emotional Breakdown

I'm not sure if I can completely blame it on the pregnancy hormones (although, let's face it, I really want to), but these last few weeks have been full of countless up's and down's.

I am not claiming to have, or ever have had, depression, but in stressful seasons I am definitely prone to feeling depressed. The feelings typically correlate with a spiritual issue or identity problem in my heart, and until I can recognize whatever it is that is, it just kinda sticks around like a gloomy friend who can't let you celebrate anything without reminding you why you're life is actually miserable.

Anyways.

In a process that took me a couple weeks, I realized that the end of the semester (i.e., the end of assignments and deadlines and due dates and classes) left me feeling... pointless. I legitimately woke up some mornings feeling like I had no reason to get out of bed. I didn't feel like I had a day-to-day purpose.

Whoa! That's not like me! Where did those thoughts come from???

It freaked me out a little, so I took some time to really look into it, and figure out where these thoughts and feelings were coming from. It didn't take too long to realize that I had (again) put too much of my identity in what I was doing, and I was struggling to feel like I now wasn't doing enough.

I don't have a deep or spiritual take-away from those couple of weeks, besides the fact that it would have taken me a lot longer if I didn't have Jon to talk to about this.
Talking to someone when you start feeling like this is crucial for two big reasons: 1) because oftentimes it isn't until you say something out loud that you realize what it is that you are actually believing and 2) that person can point out beliefs or thoughts that you are experiencing that are not truth, and they can help you replace it with truth.

"Two are better than one... 

For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. 

But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!"

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

#communityisimportant

Seek My Face

The nursery was the wrong color paint, the brand new bookshelves were the wrong color, and my first stretch mark showed up, all with in a span of time that proved to be too short for my hormones to handle.

After the day I sobbed about the nursery colors (that I was sure would clash with every other plan I had for that room) and the "red badge of motherhood" that was beginning to creep along my lower abdomen, I happened to read Psalm 27.

"You have said, 'Seek my face.'

My heart says to You,

'Your face, LORD, do I seek.'

Hide not Your face from me..."

Psalm 27:8-9

This is, always has been, and always will be the true cry of my heart. The cry of the "God-sized void in my heart" is always to seek His face.

It was time to shift some priorities.

The Response

So his nursery colors may clash a bit, my closets may be disorganized, and I may have the permanent mark of momhood on my belly, but I have made it my new goal to give myself, my husband, and my son what they really need - a woman who seeks the Lord's face daily, above all other things.

How am I accomplishing this? Focusing on reading as much of the Bible as possible before the New Addition gets here. Not out of feelings of guilt or religiosity, but because the answer to "what is the simplest way that I can seek His face everyday?" is for me to simply be serious about reading the Word like it's my summertime novel.

I'm reading through it chronologically (the books of the Bible aren't traditionally ordered by the way they were written, or according to when they historically occurred) which is something that I've never done before. So far in 4 weeks, I've gone from Creation-David's reign, and it's been awesome.

And that's what my last few weeks have looked like!
There are now only 5 weeks left before his due date, and I have no idea when he will be here or how ready we will be... but I know that I will be spending these next few weeks fretting less about his nursery, feeling less depressed, and reading His Word as much as possible.

(Oh, and sitting by my parents pool. #necessary #survivingasummerpregnancy)

What have your last few weeks looked like?

Also linking up with some awesome parties here!