I'm in a funny season. But I think all seasons are funny, and I think every kid that finds themselves in this one feel the same way I do: a bit confused, overwhelmed, and like the weight of the world is on every decision. How a young adult handles the smallest of choices determines how the rest of their life will turn out.
So where am I? Well, I'm thinking a lot. Processing a lot. Not talking as much (which is new). Working a lot (also new). And praying more than I ever have been.
The Lord has been showing me some scary stuff about my heart lately. Scary only because I think I thought I was better off than I was. But almost every way I turn, I've been feeling this gentle nudge of, "you don't trust me there, either." His way of showing me is so gentle, but sometimes my response to my mistakes isn't. It's really hard to have grace for myself, even when I know I'm swimming in an abundance of it from Him.
I'm learning a lot. Slower than I wish I was, but still, I'm learning. One thing that I've been seeing is my desire to be affirmed for my performance, and how my love for myself is based on performance. I'm also learning that my love for myself is also based on how I look. I feel like a failure when I don't look like how I think I should, or I wish I could.
My heart's cry this past week has been,
"Father, I want to know what You say about me."
In light of this, He's leading me to step down from a lot of places of ministry/leadership I've been in, so that I can focus on learning to just be with Him. This is so hard... But He's showing me that He is more pleased with my desire to spend time with Him than with my striving to do everything right. I want to please Him, so what choice do I have? I also think He will be teaching me more on how to step up as an intercessor in the secret place, opposed to a worship leader on stage. Which is totally exciting.
On a more practical level, I do have my first job outside of the family business, which is great! Totally thankful for it, even though sometimes the challenges of learning to balance it with life can be a little bit not-so-great... I'm also hoping to get accepted to a (local) college, and start that in the Fall. My dear friend Melissa is coming in less than 3 weeks (which I am so unbelievably excited for!!) and another friend is getting married shortly before that!
This really is an exciting time.. I just keep having to remind myself of that.;)
Hopefully, now that I've caught ya'll up on things, I'll be writing here more... would that be good?
P.S. And as a confirmation how exciting this time actually is, my little sister just brought me my new passport... Just came today!! Woooo!